Trail: allen

Date Hiked: 11/13-16/01

Conditions: icy in spots and really dark (until i was near the summit)

Special Required Equipment: my rifle, ammuntion, a buck grunt, deer urine, camo, huntin' license, a buck knife, etc...falsified photos of my previous 'kills', my phony n.r.a. card, many hours spent studying huntin' videos, and drinkin' at the highmarket inn.

Comments: since the trail to allen had reopened a few months ago, i concocted a sure fire plan to get to it’s summit. it seems that there was a hunting camp that was situated near the elusive summit that i’ve been after for so long. the camp was an exclusive ‘members only’ hunting club that i found while surfing the net. the camp wasn’t actually a camp.. just a cave hidden in the side of allen mt. I wanted badly to join!! to look legitimate, i had to pretend to be a seasoned hunter. this entailed stocking up on all types of hunting gear. the gun of my choice was a beautiful remington 300 savage. it had a cherry stock with an eight point doe carved on it. what a impressive piece of weaponry!!! (which i had no intent on firing, of course) a day later, i was strolling down the street in long lake (as i was instructed to do by the camp dictator). a white van screeched to a halt beside me. i was blindfolded and thrown into the van. i was then led to the hidden hunting cave. later that evening, i was initiated into the camp, and received my ‘rookie treatment’. they hazed me ruthlessly all night, and to add insult to injury, they poured deer puke down my throat!!! by the next morning, i was one of the ‘brothers’
, and ready for my first hunt. my hunting partner, crazy cooter (that’s what the boys called him), told me to follow him up allen brook. it was about then we heard rustling in the bushes 42 yards upwind from us. in my hunter safety
course that i attended last week (that i passed by the skin of my teeth). i learned that by no means are you supposed to shoot at sounds. “SHOOT THAT SONUVA BITCH!!!”, cooter yelled. instinctivly reacting, i yanked the trigger. the recoil from the savage knocked me on my rump and i fell behind a stump. as i came to my senses, i saw cooter running like a bad case of beaver fever! as i turned to look back, the bush returned fire!!! bullets zipped over my head, but i managed to get a look towards the bush: it was STU JOHNSON!!! he was my x guide who got me lost on a trip to allen some time ago. i STRONGLY dislike this jerk!!! “FREEZE BOY!”, he yelled. instantly my arms rocketed toward the sky. “I KNOW YOU, YER THAT CITIOT BERN!!!”
Johnson bellered. i started blatting like a two year old. “YOU WANNA SEE ALLEN MOUNTIN' BOY, WELL YER GONNA SEE IT UP HERE WHEN YA DIE!! , stu screamed. he then cuffed me, gagged and ducted tape my mouth shut, and slung me high in a tree (upside down) where i got a front row view of allen’s
summit sign. stu then walked away laughing psychotically as if mentally deranged!! it was then that allen's spirit began to test me both mentally and physically. during my lengthy days hanging from the tree, bizarre things began to tease my senses. first were the voices from the warped woods.
demented children were speaking to me in tongue!! then came the touching.. all night long, i was groped and probed by light beams from the sky. the next day came the aroma of an overused marcy dam privy, stagnant beaver pond water, and rotting mcdonalds chicken mcnuggets. that next evening fell, and the taste of mice infested rice in limburger cheese bag wrapped in a snot rag left behind in a lean-to since 1972, caused ralf to permeate my mouth. if i had been able to, i would of ripped my tongue out of my throat!!! it must have
been about that time that i blacked out. when i awoke, i was standing on the summit of allen mountain. how did i get here? i must have been helped by the three trail angels that stood before me. i had never been more happy in my entire life!!! tears of joy streamed down my face!!! i was elated to be on allen's
crown!!!! the dix range shone through the morning fog that hovered above elk lake. it was absolutely breathtaking!! i was finally one with the earth atop of allen mountain!! gothics and pyramid looked like a heavenly paradise from my vantage point. the sun’s rays beaming through the pine bows illuminated the serine summit sign. all the molecules in the universe were in perfect harmony!!! I DID IT!!! I snagged allen!!! i want to thank three special people for saving my life and bringing me to the pinnacle of my vision quest… buglegs, bird and head!!!! THANKS AND CONGRATS ON FINISHING YOUR 46!!!!! peace…

Submitted by: richard bern